My kidZ are AMAZING!!#!#%$%@!

You know that parent that can't shut up about their kids? That's me. I'm that guy. Because you know what? My kids are smarter, faster, and better than your dumb children.

I make no apologies for what I say. I KNOW this for a fact. Why, you ask? because I'm a parent who CARES about my kids. My parenting skills could kick mother Teresa in the nuts. Only such a skilled caregiver could have children with such a highly defined early childhood development that would make the writers of the Baby Einstein videos kneel down on one knee and weep huge sobs into their hands.

Your kid was potty trained at 2?
My kids were potty trained four days out of the womb.

Your kid knows numbers at 1?
My kids were splitting atoms at 6 months.

Your kid spoke at the 16 months?
My kid was quoting 'The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich' by memory during the sonograms.
How do I know? I shoved a tape recorder WAY up there.

Don't feel bad about my child's obvious superiority to your mindless lump of vomit. It's not their fault. It's YOUR fault. You're just a horrible parent. Remember the time you smacked your kid's hand away from almost touching the burner on the stove? Yeah, I didn't and you know why? I allow my children to explore their surroundings. Did I take them right to the hospital? No. They need to learn actions have consequences. And did I bandage them myself rather than going to a qualified doctor? Yes, I did. They need to learn not all of life's problems come in pills and prescriptions to soothing burn ointments. And is it now too late to separate their wounds and they now have Johnny Tremain-like hands, not being able to use their thumbs? Yes, they do. Because I wanted my children to have character, not having everything handed to them on a silver platter, as of now you can't hand them anything. How else could they learn rights from wrongs? Not from me, I barely know left from right. But the one thing I do know is this:

My kid is as dumb as yours. They are neither more intelligent nor are they more brilliantly creative than yours. All kids are vast holes of nothingness and just because your kid did something before my or any other parent's kid doesn't make him a fucking brain surgeon. Because let's face it, if your kid acted the way they do now but only at the age of 23, they'd just be retarded.