As the sun rose in the east, or as Vinny says "the shiny part of the sky", the rays hit our eyes making everyone in the house squint from a wicked hangover. The night before we were in the clubs fist pumping. Mainly to music and not each other, although I did see Pauly D and Ronnie leave to go to the bathroom together. Everybody, one by one, woke up next to the disease ridden love tryst they picked up the night before, cleaned the congealed vomit off themselves, and rose shakily for the day. I got up reluctantly and went downstairs. This simple act seemed almost impossible because I had passed out in the jacuzzi on the roof all night and my feet were shrunken down to more than half their normal size. A bad start to Easter sunday.
"Do you have to run that stupid blender at this time in the morning, Ronnie?" I whined as I limped over to the breakfast bar.
"How will I know if I'm awake if the blender isn't running?" Ronnie asked just as a little bit of drool dripped off of his chin.
"I don't know Ronnie. I just don't know." I sat down on a stool only to jump back up after realizing I just sat on a huge aerosol can of spray tan. Knocking the canister over was like trying to get a 200 pound turtle to roll over after it had landed on it's back. Once the damn thing hit the ground it exploded, spurting out orange liquid all over the kitchen. It looked like a mass murder had just occurred in the Oompa Loompa's break room at Willy Wonka's factory.
It was just then that the 'Situation' came in from the bathroom declaring that no one should go in there because of the 'situation.' Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a million times already, MIKE.
After thirty-six minutes of high levels of homo-eroticism as all the guys just 'hung out' without shirts on, the girls finally made it into the kitchen demanding pancakes.
"I'm on it!" I was eager to impress J-WOWW. With a name like that it can only infer high society. (and I do mean the porn magazine.) I jumped up ready to make some batter. My thought process was that if she saw what I could do to flour, eggs, and milk; maybe the same thing could be done with her in the bedroom. But as I was getting out the ingredients for the pancakes, she started dry-humping Pauly D while taking most of her 'clothes' off. I was crushed. I didn't know how to go on. Only after realizing that gonorrhea now isn't in my immediate future did I recover. Time to realize this? .03 seconds.
We were all sitting around the breakfast bar enjoying the pancakes and bacon I had just whipped up for everyone when suddenly the house started shaking. It lasted mere seconds, but it came back. Another small tremor endangering our sweet pad. In an instant we knew what was going on. Snooki was slowly making her way down the hallway, stomping her feet and breathing fire. Her nostrils were flared and within was the red hot glow of the fiery pit of her soul. The horns on her head looked sharper than ever and the talons on her hands were ominous as she staggered toward us. We had forgotten the chaos she caused the last time she wasn't fed. We got comfortable, careless, and stupid to let it get this far. Snooki, the only member on Jersey Shore who's mother was a gargoyle and father was a troll, was terrifying on every level. She'd make out with you, then rip out your heart. (Not a metaphor, she'd kill you before you could get the case of gel you store under your bed open.) Her angry red eyes took us in, eating pancakes without her. She opened her mouth and sprayed Vinny into horse meat with the flames of eternity. Sammi's torso was no match for Snooki's razor sharp talons. She then turned her attention to the situation, who was ironically watching the situation unfold, and bit his face clean off and spat onto the floor. Pauly D and Ronnie both ran for it. J-WOWW and Angelina took the cue and ran after them, but they didn't get far. No, Snooki's ability to summon a horde of destroying angels took care of them. They won't harm anyone now in the phantom zone.
She took one look at me and I remembered the only defense mechanism I had in middle school when bullies turn against me and immediately soiled myself. Although the stench wasn't a pleasant one (I had asparagus the night before) it did nothing to detract her from wanting to kill me. I thought this all out. My mother crying over my grave. My Father muttering under his breath a vow to hunt down the midget/witch and burn her alive. Then something in my head turned to kindness. I don't know what it was. Probably a lame last second attempt to make up for a life of hedonism to try to get into heaven. But the thought held, so I offered Snooki some pancakes I was saving just for her.
She cocked her head slightly to the left and devoured them in a single gulp. She then slowly turned away and started to walk back to bed. I was left there to clean up not only breakfast, but the corpses of my fellow cast members. Snooki looked over her shoulder at me, smiled, said these words in my mind without moving her lips "Come join me later for an 'Egg Hunt.'" She walked back into her room without taking those souless black eyes off me.
She didn't even offer to help clean up.
What a bitch.
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