The new Harry Potter gritty Hollywood reboot in the year 2025

We all know that in Hollywood instead of making movies clever and original, they simply sit back, watch a movie from their childhood with a mountain of coke and then do a gritty reboot. What is a gritty reboot you ask? It just means you put a lot of tits and gore into a time honored, much beloved TV series or movie from 30 years ago. It's easy and it doesn't take a lot of talent, which is why I'm submitting my 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' new ending now. We all know it's coming.



INT. HOGWARTS 3 YEARS AFTER EPIC BATTLE

Harry is walking down the lone corridors of Hogwarts incredibly drunk. Students are walking all around him not trying to make eye contact, when a student inadvertently runs into Harry. Harry pulls out his 'wand.' (really his penis)

HARRY
You want some 'tips' from the guy who
fucked up Voldemort? YOU WANNA GO?!

Ms. McGonagall comes out of her classroom upon hearing the ruckus.

MINERVA
Mr. Potter! You put that thing away!

HARRY
You didn't seem to mind it last night, Minny.

Minerva blushes a bit.

MINERVA
Um... Err. Just put the 'ol Basilisk away.

Harry winks over at Minerva as he puts his thing away. Minerva slinks away back into her classroom. A group of girls walk past Harry, who has gotten out his real wand and gives them all a slap on the ass with it. Harry staggers down the hallway and it confronted by his oldest friend Ron. Ron is wearing new robes.

RON
Harry.

HARRY
Ron, you old bastard! What a turd! How's my old post at the Ministry?

RON
You should go home.

HARRY
What? Back to my Godfather's house? I can still see him walking the halls you know.

RON
After how many Firewhiskey's?

HARRY
Shut up ginger. What a mong.

RON
All right, let's go.

In a flash Harry gets out his wand and points it at Ron.

HARRY
Levicorpus!

A large number of gashes appear on Ron's skin as Harry stands there and laughs. Ron points his wand at himself and mumbles a charm and his cuts disappear.

RON
You're sick! Sick I tell you!

HARRY
Do you know how much ass I've gotten?

Ron shakes his head and quickly gets out of the hallway. Behind Harry is Hermione looking very pregnant.

HARRY
What now?

HERMIONE
It's yours, Harry! It's yours.

Harry gets out his wand again and points it at Hermione's uterus.

HARRY
Infantus Evada Kedavra!

A green woosh enters Hermione's belly button and her stomach sags a bit.

HARRY
Tea?

FADE TO BLACK.